The New & Improved 12 Days of Christmas :P

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPMDoKpgKGA&feature=youtube_gdata

This is H I L A R I O U S

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new

Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

The Italian Wife

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite raviolis.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, to be sure he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

"Va fanculo!" she said, "Questi sono per il funerale!"

In other words.. "F off, these are for the funeral"

A New Zealander is driving along and sees an eskimo broken down on the side of the road, he pulls over and says, "Looks like you've blown a seal." The eskimo replies, "So? You f*#k sheep."

ROFLMAO!!!

A New Definition of Cool

The bar of coolness just got raised -

Husbands and Wives

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM ' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied , 'in-laws

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, ' but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.'

The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'

The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'

God may have created man before woman,

but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Elephant Jokes!!!

What time is it when ten elephants are chasing you?

Ten after one!

What did the cat say to the elephant?

Meow.

What did the grape say to the elephant?

Nothing, grapes can't talk.

How can you tell when an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

You see elephant tracks in the butter.

How can you tell if there is an elephant under your bed?

Your nose is squashed against the ceiling.

What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?

Time to fix the fence!

If you see an elephant in your car, what time is it?

Time to get a new car.

What's big and gray and has 16 wheels?

An elephant on roller skates!

What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?

You can't make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant!

What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?

About 3,000 miles!

What's gray and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds?

An elephant with hiccups!

What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

An elephant's shadow!

What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?

Lost!

Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool?

Because they couldn't hold their trunks up.

What do elephants do for laughs?

Tell people jokes.

Sunday, 8th November 2009

Today's Music Playlist -

Puddle of Mudd songs (thanks to Shane :P)

Today's Reading Book -

Cold Mountain by Charles Frazier (for book group)

Today's Joke -

Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?

A: 1. Open door 2. Insert elephant 3. Close door.

Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?

A: Open door 2. Remove elephant 3. Insert giraffe 4. Close door

The king of the jungle, the lion, decided to have a party. He invited every animal in the jungle but one didn't come. Which one?

A: The giraffe, because it was stuck in the fridge.